Rating: PG-13
Summary: A picture is worth a thousand words.
Beta: Thank you shakespearespot for graciously offering to beta my fledging fic efforts. And RB for laughing.
Author's notes: Let's see if I do this right. My first posted story. Be gentle with me.
Jonathan Archer looked up into the flustered face of his chief
engineer. He was waving something in front of Archer's nose.
"Seen what, Trip?"
"This... this... thing!" he spluttered, dropping what looked like a
magazine onto Archer's desk. Archer picked it up. No, not a
magazine.
Archer studied the item in his hand. "Heavenly Bodies of Starfleet -
Men of Enterprise" was emblazoned across the cover in large type.
The picture on the front was innocuous enough, one of the bridge crew
taken just before Enterprise had left dry dock.
"I think its called a calendar, Trip. Hmmm, what's..." Archer had
idly opened it up and abruptly stopped talking, mouth still open.
What was inside was more provocative. Scantily clad men, in an
assortment of sultry poses. Not pornographic, but close enough.
"Oh boy."
"Yeah, that's what I said." Trip said smugly, crossing his arms over
his chest. Archer didn't respond, he was busily flipping pages, eyes
getting wider with each one. When he got to the final page, his eyes
widened, his mouth closed with a snap and he shuddered violently
before dropping the calendar back onto his desk.
"Holy shit... " He looked up at Trip, then back down at the
calendar. He picked it up again and opened to a specific
page. "Black leather... damn... " he murmured softly with a small
shake of his head.
"Hey!" Trip yelled, trying to snatch it back. Archer was ready for
him and lunged backward in his chair, avoiding Trip's hand. "Give
that back."
"I don't think so," Archer laughed at him. Trip came around the
desk, trying again, but Archer stood up and held the item up over his
head, well out of the shorter engineer's reach. "C'mon Trip, cut it
out. We're not children here." He put a hand out to Trip's chest
when he tried jumping up to reach it. The comm buzzed.
"Lieutenant Reed to Captain Archer." Saved by the bell.
"What is it, Lieutenant?"
"May I speak with you for a moment, sir?"
"Certainly, Lieutenant. I need to, uh, see you as well." Trip gave
him a hateful look. The ready room door opened and Malcolm Reed
entered the room, something clutched in his hands. He looked at the
captain, who still had his arm over his head, then down at his own
hands and sighed.
"I see you're already aware of the ... problem, sir."
"Problem?"
"This... calendar," Malcolm grimaced. "I wish to state for the
record sir, I did not give my permission for this."
"I think its safe to say, Malcolm, that none of us did." Archer gave
a heavy sigh. "So, what do you suggest we do? I suppose it's
unrealistic to assume these are the only two copies?"
"Yes, sir, I believe that it would." Malcolm decided not to mention
the wolf whistle he'd received as he'd crossed the bridge.
"Well, Malcolm, you're my tactical officer. What sort of damage
control do you advise?"
"Truthfully, sir, I doubt there is anything we can do at this point
that won't make it worse." He paused, then smirked, "Except grin and
bare it." Archer and Trip heard the pun and groaned in unison.
"I'd better get Travis in here." Archer swallowed hard. "And
Phlox." Malcolm and Trip shared a shudder.
"Cap'n, have you seen this?"
"Cheer up, Commander," Travis was saying. "It could be worse. You gotta admit, those are some pretty hot pictures."
Trip gave him an accusing glare. "You sound like you're enjoying this."
Travis shrugged mildly. "I've got nothing to be ashamed of."
"That's for certain," Malcolm said. Travis looked at him thoughtfully.
"Hey, cut that out!" Trip protested. "And how come Travis got twice as many pictures in there as everyone else anyway?"
"Twice as many muscles?" Malcolm guessed, giving him a wink. Travis smiled, but said nothing.
"Hell, the captain even got a damned centerfold. What's that count as?" Trip went on.
"Don't protest too much, Commander. He is the Captain, after all. And it was a bloody nice centerfold."
"Say, Malcolm, you still have that black leather number?" Travis wondered.
"What, that old thing?" Malcolm smiled. "So, Travis, I never would have figured you for body piercing."
Trip had had enough. He slammed his hand down on the table. "I'm glad you two think this is so amusing."
"Lighten up, Trip."
"Oh, that's rich coming from you, Malcolm. We're never gonna live this down. D'ya know what happened when I got to Engineering this morning?" He paused for effect. "When I walked in the door, everyone held up signs with numbers on 'em!"
"All 10's I trust?" Malcolm's lips were twitching.
"Shit," Trip said in disgust. "I should write the lot of 'em up for insubordination." He paused and looked at Malcolm suspiciously. "Fucking Rostov, man, he held up a 7." Malcolm and Travis howled with laughter and after a moment, Trip joined in.
"Perhaps he's jealous."
"At least there was only one of Phlox."
"Oh lord, don't remind me. I may need therapy after seeing that."
"I wonder how much airbrushing was involved."
"Airbrushing, my ass."
"Yes, I dare say they must have."
"Hey!"
"Some of us don't need airbrushing."
"Yeah, that one of Porthos was pretty cute."
"I wonder, though."
"What?"
"Well, where did the pictures come from? I mean, you know, they all looked genuine, not computer-generated or anything."
"Been studying them in some detail have you, Commander?" Malcolm said sharply.
"I did find some of them kinda... stimulating," Trip drawled, grinning and giving him a small wink.
"Can't speak for anyone else, but I recognize mine. A friend took them." Travis looked at Trip and Malcolm expectantly. Trip looked sheepish, but amazingly, Malcolm blushed.
"Oh shit, this must be good. Spill it, Malcolm," Trip demanded.
"I wasn't always in Starfleet, you know," he said defensively. "I needed the money. It was just some pictures. I used a false name."
Trip wasn't convinced. "Just some pictures, huh? And that made you blush? Granted, they are some nice pictures, but I ain't buying it. Try again."
"There were some... vids... as well." The silence made him look up. Trip and Travis were both gaping at him. Travis recovered first.
"Well, that would certainly liven up movie night!"
"Don't make me hurt you." Malcolm's expression was menacing. "Perhaps you'd like to spend some time in Sickbay. With Phlox."
All three men shuddered.
Anyone caught making any more copies of that calendar will be charged with disobeying orders, insubordination, misuse of ship's resources and any other damned thing I can think of. Whoever keeps posting those pictures all over the ship, please stop already. And will the person who left the package outside my quarters last night please contact me immediately.
Captain Archer
"Yes, love?"
"Would you do something for me?"
"Anything for you, darlin'."
"Would you do that 'come hither' pose for me?"
"We already came hither. And yon, if I remember correctly."
"Funny. But seriously, I want some new pictures. Without the swimsuit this time. For our 'private' collection."
"Malcolm?"
"Yes, love?"
"Come hither."
Hey sis, thanks for the calendars. You did a terrific job.
Don't want to know where you got a hold of some of those photos!
Poor Commander Tucker, he's still upset he had fewer pictures than
Lt. Reed and I.
Speaking of which, I have another job for you.
I need you to find some vids for me...
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