N.B. : Humour. Sequel to Nice Work if You Can Get It. For
spot, who gave me the original Ten Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter and begged for
this to be written. Said Rules are included at the end of the story.
~RB
Rating: PG
Catriona Tucker-Reed did not consider herself a vain girl. Oh, she knew she was
more than simply pretty; hadn’t her parents and grandparents always told her so? Her beauty
was not, however, her overriding concern. Still, she was more than a little miffed when a
number of other, less attractive, girls in her age group were asked out on dates well before
she. It helped assuage her fifteen year-old pride that she strongly suspected her older
brother had been actively discouraging the other boys from having anything to do with her
that wasn’t strictly platonic.
That had all changed now. Mitchell, the handsome new boy in town, had asked her
out.
Had Mitchell Crawford known what he was letting himself in for when he’d asked the
prettiest girl in his new school out to see a movie, he would never have been able to work
up the courage to approach her. He should have realised, he supposed, who her parents were,
but it had really never occurred to him that the Tucker-Reed of Cat’s last name had anything
to do with the men he was now seated before.
He’d read about them in his Modern History class, when they’d done a unit on the
beginnings of Starfleet, the Romulan War, and the birth of the United Federation of Planets.
One of them was reputed to be the most dangerous man in the fleet. It made Mitch more than
a little nervous that that was the man who was currently sitting on the sofa, casually
reading a newspaper. A little too casually, as far as Mitch was concerned. He was certain
the man was actually noting his every breath and twitch, waiting to use them against him.
Captain Tucker, however, was sitting on the other end of the sofa from his spouse,
openly studying Mitch. The man’s blue eyes held a glint of suspicion, and Mitch swallowed
involuntarily. He tried to sneak a look at his watch, but the motion was caught by the
engineer.
“Just because some of us prefer not to go out in public in gaudy Hawaiian shirts and
ratty blue jeans is no reason to be snide, dear.” This was spoken without the paper being
lowered even a fraction, and Mitch could only imagine the expression that must have been on
the Englishman’s face.
“I’m not bein’ snide, Mal, j’st statin’ a fact. Mitch here was looking antsy, is
all.”
“Is it any wonder, with you staring like that? Anyway, the boy only looked at his
watch.”
He’d known it. Captain Reed was watching him. Despite the man’s
conciliatory tone, Mitch was not reassured. Not at all. He’d read about Malcolm Reed’s
tactical genius. It was probably a trick to get him to relax his guard and slip up somehow.
Nobody messed with Charles. Mitch hadn’t had the chance to find out why, but he was
beginning to get a clue. Anyone who had met his parents had to be able to see them looking
out from the seventeen year-old’s sapphire blue eyes. A perfect cross between his fathers,
Charles made Mitch feel less than attractive and decidedly weak. It didn’t matter that he
was actually slightly taller and bulkier than the older boy, Mitch had no doubts that
Charles Tucker IV could easily beat him to a pulp if he wanted.
“Catriona’s date,” answered Reed in his clipped, British tones. “Mitchell ...
Crawford, was it?”
Mitch nodded, trying not to swallow nervously.
“Cat’s date?” Charles frowned. Mitch didn’t like the look of that frown. “Has he
been told the rules?”
“Mind if I start, Cap’n? A little mano a mano chat between me an’ Mitch here?”
“Be my guest, son.”
Mitch nodded. He couldn’t speak; his mouth was too dry. Sex wasn’t something he’d
really seriously considered at this point. Now, he wouldn’t consider it at all.
“Good. I’m glad we had this talk.”
“Daddy!”
“Oof! Connor, volume please.”
“Sorry, Daddy. I’ll be quieter.” The urchin smiled at Reed beatifically and
wrapped his arms around the man’s neck. Reed hugged him back, planting a kiss on top of the
dark head.
“Hey,” said Captain Tucker, “what about me? Don’t I rate a hug, too?”
Connor appeared to think about this for a moment before detaching himself from Reed.
“S’ppose so.” The reluctance was obviously feigned, but Tucker pouted -- the man actually
pouted -- and Connor giggled, giving him a hug.
“Missed you. Now, where’re your grandparents?”
“Got sick and tired of Kota Bharu in the rainy season, and decided that San
Francisco a few days early sounded like just the cure.” The old man was gruff, and Mitch
instinctively shrunk down in the chair, trying to escape notice. Too bad it didn’t work.
“Who’s that?”
“Your granddaughter’s date for the evening,” replied Reed.
“Date?” The old man’s steely gaze was turned on Mitch. He wished he could sink
into the floor to escape it. “Where are you taking her?”
“T-to a movie, Sir.”
“What kind of movie?”
“Uh, a historical drama, Sir.”
“About what?”
“Third World War, Sir.”
“Hmm... Good. War movies don’t encourage ... inappropriate behaviour.”
“Um, more or less.”
“We should probably get going, then. It would be a shame to miss the movie. I’ve
heard it’s supposed to be quite good.”
It was a trap. Mitch could smell it. Thankfully the movie wasn’t supposed to be
horribly long. He could give Tucker the answer he was looking for without lying to the man,
which he was sure would be another ticket to a permanent residence in the back twenty.
“Early, Sir. The movie should be over around nine. We’ll be coming straight back.”
Tucker’s return smile was downright predatory. “Good.”
Cat secured the London Blue topaz pendant her grandmother had given her for her last
birthday around her neck and stepped back to admire herself in the mirror. Satisfied that
she looked every inch the princess her captain called her, she headed downstairs where
Mitchell was waiting for her. It wouldn’t do to be late for the movie.
“Y’ could do somthin’ useful while you wait, like vacuum out my transport. There’s
prob’ly enough time ‘fore Cat’s ready to go. She’s j’st like her daddy; can’t go anywhere
‘till everythin’s j’st right.”
The door opened behind him, and Mitch caught a glimpse of Reed lowering his paper as
he turned to look at the newcomer. It was Charles Tucker IV, a boy in the grade above him,
who he had just today learned was Cat’s big brother. Charles was captain of the school’s
waterpolo team, football team, and of the fencing club. He had the respect of everyone in
the school, including the bullies who seemed to think they could impose their own rule on
others.
“Cap’n, Dad,” the older boy greeted his parents, “who’s this?” He motioned at
Mitch, who was beginning to wish Cat would hurry up and rescue him from her family.
Mitch gulped. Rules?
“I alluded t’ one,” said Captain Tucker. “Thought I’d dole ‘em out a few at a time.
Less pressure that way.”
Charles walked around, placing himself before Mitch. “Mitch, c’n I call you Mitch?
There’s a little somethin’ I think we should discuss before you date my little sister. Now,
I’m sure you’ve heard in health class all about how it used to be that sex without a
so-called barrier method could kill a person. Now, despite our medical advances, this is
somethin’ that still holds good today. Let me explain.” Charles laid a hand on Mitch’s
shoulder. “When it comes to sex with my sister, I’m the barrier and I will kill you.
Understand?”
The door opened again, and Mitch had just enough time to register that fact before a
small boy of about ten or eleven went hurtling past him. Shrieking like a demon, the child
launched himself at Captain Reed.
The words were barely out of Tucker’s mouth when an older couple walked in. The
livingroom was getting crowded, but Mitch didn’t mind. He was getting lost in it, and that
was all to the good, so far as he was concerned. Besides, it was kind of fascinating,
getting to see the two legends in a more relaxed family setting. The little boy had moved
back to hang on Captain Reed, and the man actually seemed to enjoy it. Mitch had never
pictured the man as a loving father. He supposed it just didn’t seem like a normal trait
for a man who had made and used weapons his entire career.
“Malcolm, Trip dears, sorry to show up early and with out warning like this,” the
matronly woman said, “but your father...”
There was a clatter of footfall on the stairwell, and Cat emerged into the living
room. Mitch nearly fainted with relief.
“Granddad! Grandmama! You’re early!” Cat raced over to her grandparents, giving
each a hug and kiss. They fussed over her in return, and Mitch began to despair of ever
escaping the house. “Oh Mitch, there you are. Have you met everybody?”
Now she was worried about being late? Had they been alone, Mitch would have made
some comment about it, but he decided it would be unwise at the moment. The captains had
phase pistols and other assorted weaponry scattered about the room and a good twenty acres
of land out behind the house, some of it wooded. There was no sense in endangering his life
any further.
They’d almost managed a clean escape when Tucker’s voice called out to them. “When
does the movie end? Should we expect you back late or early?”
“How did you like the movie, Mitch?” she asked as the transport idled at a traffic light.
“Oh, um, it was good, though somewhat historically inaccurate.”
“Aren’t they all? Still, I think Daddy would have liked it. Charlie, too.”
Mitch gave her a sidelong glance. “Which one is ‘Daddy,’ and why would he and your brother have liked it so much?”
“Daddy,” Cat replied matter of factly, “is Captain Reed. He and Charlie have a mutual admiration for explosions. Well, more of a G.P., actually.” She laughed a bit, remembering. “Charlie blew up the shed in the backyard when he was nine. Captain had a fit, but Daddy was kind of proud, you could tell.”
This titbit of information did not seem to reassure Mitch very much. He started
tapping the controls of his transport anxiously.
“You okay, Mitch?”
“Would you think less of me,” he asked with an anxious expression, “if I admitted that your parents scare the shit out of me? Ditto on your big brother ... and your grandfather.”
Cat did her best not to laugh. “Oh, I suppose I can still respect you. I’ve taken Modern History, too. I know how the books paint them -- bigger than life, and all that -- even if my teacher did try to tone it down a bit. Probably for my benefit.”
“It’s not that. Not entirely, anyway. Even without all the ‘Heroes of the Federation’ stuff, they’re both really intimidating. Really intimidating. Captain Reed is like this omniscient god, and Captain Tucker is ... intense.”
“Daddy is not a god, he’s just very observant. It was his job. Old habits die hard, and all that.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of. What if he mistakes the sound of my transport for a Romulan scout ship some day and opens fire?”
Cat narrowed her eyes at Mitch. “He’s not insane, Mitch. Observant and a little suspicious, maybe, but not insane.”
“I didn’t mean...”
“No, I’m sure not. Just don’t say it again.” Cat had turned on the English accent she had picked up from her father, though mostly neglected at school, and watched in satisfaction as Mitch cringed. The tone worked just as well for her on Mitch as it did for Daddy on the Captain. She figured that it must be instinctive for men to shy away from that tone of voice, especially when they knew they were wrong.
“Look, Mitch, I feel I ought to give you a few words of advice to help you stay on
my parents’ good sides.”
“Please.”
“First off, whatever you do, don’t pull into the driveway and honk for me to come out. A couple of Charlie’s friends did that once while Daddy was working on something in his office, which happens to have a window out onto the front yard there, and let me tell you, he was Not Pleased. Not at all.
“Second, the Captain and Daddy have both been known to look, shall we say, askance at the current fashion of loose trousers. I know you don’t wear clothes like that, but please don’t be tempted to do so, at least not on a date. The Captain’s muttered darkly in the past about being tempted to take his staple gun and staple boys’ trousers up to their waist ‘where they belong.’”
Mitch sighed. “So many rules...”
The whole family was sitting around the livingroom when they came in, and he’d somehow wound up with a cup of coffee and a plate of sugar cookies homebaked by Cat’s grandmother. Said grandmother had exclaimed happily over seeing her granddaughter wearing a necklace she had given her, and Mitch had leaned over to take a look at it.
Bad idea. He’d immediately had parents, grandfather, and older brother glaring daggers at him. Mitch had made a mental note, then, not to look at anything on Cat below her face.
Finally, after an hour, he was getting away. His hand was on the doorknob when he
heard Captain Tucker call out his name.
“Mitch, mind if I have a word with you before you go?”
What could he do? He had to say, “No, Sir, not at all.”
“Good. Now, I’m given to understand that you’re a pretty popular young man, and would have plenty of opportunities to date other girls. That’s fine with me ... so long as it’s fine with Cat. Otherwise, you date her until she’s finished with you, understand? You make my little princess cry, and I’ll make you cry.”
Mitch smiled weakly back at Tucker, who was sporting a rather sinister smile of his own. The man opened the door and gently propelled him through it with a hand on his back.
“Y’all come back now, y’ hear?” said Tucker, just before he shut the door behind Mitch.
Mitch stared at the door for a few moments before shaking his head and walking to
his transport. Next time, he promised himself, he’d ask Cat to meet him somewhere. He
didn’t think he could take too many doses of the Tucker-Reed family in a short period of
time. They were something one had to work up to.
Ten Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter
2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
4. I’m sure that you’ve been told that, in today’s world, sex without utilising a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you.
5. It is usually understood that, in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”
6. I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have done out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
7. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time to the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts,
tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goosedown
parka -- zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature
chainsaws are okay.
Hockey games are okay.
Old folks homes are better.
9. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy in Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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